Jersey Shore Man Down S05E02 (MTV)

The cast reunited, via Vulture

I’ve mentioned to someone that watching the Jersey Shore is like watching Animal Planet. It’s like watching the mating habits of a cheetah, or something like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is true. I’ve also noticed that the vocabulary that the cast uses is quite insidious and sometimes appropriate, especially if you go out a lot and date. The words DTF, creeping, and other terms are a common occurrence when you open your eyes. The vocabulary is also very easy to use.

Where to begin? The douchebagginess of the cast leaves you speechless. There are no words to describe these self-professed guidos and guidettes. Vinny is still not out of his funk. It’s revealed that he suffers from anxiety and the noise, the constant partying and drinking isn’t good for him. He also barely sleeps right now, so he decides to leave the house and recuperate with his family.

Warning: This post might offend you.

[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]

Vinny still wants to go home. Ronnie and Pauly try to talk him out of it. They convince him to go to bed.

Mike hooks up with Paula, his friend with benefits. It starts to rain. The girls also leave.

I mean, we share girls, why can’t we share underwear.
Mike

Mike has cooties, so the fact that my man is wearing Mike’s clothes, uh, I hope they’re clean.
Snooki

Mike tosses Jionni some fresh undies. They’re still in the box, so Snooki can’t complain. Jionni and Mike are bonding. Jionni is cooking for Mike and Snooki. Nicole is just fuming.

It’s very ironic that Jionni is borrowing my clothes and cooking in the kitchen right now for me. Nicole is just sitting there waiting. Now that’s a situation.
Mike

Snooki throws a tantrum and runs off. Jionni runs after her and doesn’t get to eat. Mike brings him some food.

I’ll bring the food to ya motherf*cker!
Mike

I am the master of deception and I can act like anybody’s best friend.
Mike

Pauly likes to come into my room when I’m sleeping and tickle my feet and scream “Oh yeah” so I just sneak up and I cuddle with him. I probably shouldn’t had did that in front of Vin. I think Vin got a little mad because that’s his bitch.
Ronnie

Jenni and Sam go to work. Vin is a no show. Snooki calls Jionni. Jionni asks her not to drink because she’s going to Karma. Vin goes to work at 12:30PM.

Mental is just as bad as physical. It’s worse.
Vin

Danny takes Vin out for food.

I am maturing and I’m not afraid about my anxiety.
Vin

Vin tells Danny that he’s got clinical anxiety. He’s had it since he was 16. He hopes to work through it.

I didn’t even put underwear on today.
Jenni

Vin goes home and gets into bed. The boys get back from GTL. The guys go to get a pedicure. It’s mostly to keep Vin’s spirits up. He’s aware of that, but grateful.

Pauly’s face is peeling off because of an overdose of tanning.

Yo somebody help me. I burned my face off!
Pauly

-Our GTL endurance is not up. It’s probably what it is.
-I shocked the system. This really is white boy problems.
Mike and Pauly

Ron is mixing up a batch of Ron Ron Juice.

Even though you’re a little off your A-game, you’re still going to bring back bitches and have sex tonight.
Deena to Pauly

-Wow, you look really good.
-Would you bang me?
-Bent over and sideways.
Jenni and Nicole

Jenni makes Nicole reconsider her choice of “Jionni’s” underwear by making her remember how all the drama in Italy started. Nicole flashed everyone and Jionni just left.

Deena jokingly tells Snooki that she’s thinking of not drinking. The HM go to Karma.

This is my home. It’s like love.
Nicole about Karma

Deena bumps into Damian. She immediately starts making out with him and licking his face.

Maybe he’ll get the golden ticket.
Deena

OMG, cook you like chicken cutlets and stuff like that.
Nicole to Jionni, drunk stupid

Nicole falls to the ground. Sam sees this. Nicole calls Jionni a f*cking idiot and wanders off.

Snooki is wasted off her face and Jionni is definitely pissed because he has to babysit Nicole. It’s not like you’re with your girlfriend, it’s like you’re taking care of your child, and you don’t want to do that with your girlfriend.
Ron

Shantel is like the definition of DTF. She’s like so DTF right now, it’s not even funny. She literally wants to leave before I do.
Pauly

Mike was going home alone, but at the last minute, he sees Paula and she comes home with him. Paula is a nice looking girl, with an easy, sexy smile and nice tits.

I’m going to lay you on the bed and do you!
Shantel to Pauly

The HM are getting busy tonight. Pauly’s got some new tattoos. They are all over his back. Pauly’s girl Shantel also has got some nice tattoos. Shantel steals Pauly’s lucky chain and puts it in her snatch pouch. Pauly kind of kicks her out. She said that she couldn’t find her shoes.

The next day, the other SO leave. Jionni and Damian get out. Pauly realizes that his diamond chain has gone missing. Snooki immediately says that his girl took it.

She probably stuffed it in her ass cheeks.
Snooki

Shantel comes by. She look shot. She’s wearing the chain. She gives it back but she wants her shoes. The shoes aren’t there. Snooki remarks that the girl probably took them so that she could smash Pauly the next day again. It’s an excuse. Snooki says that she’d do that.

Whenever a girl leaves, I’m going to hug her and pat her down at the same time.
Pauly

Vinny is still feeling anxious the next day. Ronnie takes him out to the boardwalk. He appreciates it, but he’s still not feeling happy.

The HM are going out again to Karma. Deena sprays herself with perfume from head to toe. The HM are debating whether to stay in. They decide that Pauly should stay and talk with Vin.

Vin calls his sister. He wants her to come get him. He talks a bit with Pauly but thinks it’s best that he leaves right now. He wants to rest and recover.

Can we sext?
Pauly to Vin

The HM aren’t feeling it at Karma. It’s packed. Then, they start drinking and it gets better.

Trust me bro, the hardest part is leaving you.
Vin to Pauly

Vinny packs his bags. Pauly helps him and then he gets into a cab.

* * * * *

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