Jersey Shore Nothing But Nice S05E05 (MTV)

The cast reunited, via Vulture

I’ve mentioned to someone that watching the Jersey Shore is like watching Animal Planet. It’s like watching the mating habits of a cheetah, or something like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is true. I’ve also noticed that the vocabulary that the cast uses is quite insidious and sometimes appropriate, especially if you go out a lot and date. The words DTF, creeping, and other terms are a common occurrence when you open your eyes. The vocabulary is also very easy to use.

Where to begin? The douchebagginess of the cast leaves you speechless. There are no words to describe these self-professed guidos and guidettes. Mike is being nice and the HM can’t believe their luck. They think that he’s up to something. This makes Mike paranoid and he actually gets up to something by calling his pal The Unit to create some drama in next week’s episode.

Warning: This post might offend you.

[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]

Vinny is back and Pauly tells him that Mike is acting too nice. He’s up to something.

-I don’t like that. I like it when he’s a douche, brother.
-Exactly, coz it’s real.
Vinny and Pauly

The HM get ready to go out to Karma. Mike tells the Hm that he wants a tattoo that says loyalty and betrayal.

Mike knows nothing about fucking loyalty and knows everything about betrayal. Mike should get a tattoo that says betrayal and betrayal.
Ronnie

I got my bitch Vinny back at the club and it’s great. I turn around and he’s right there. And he’s by my side. He’s my wingman and I’m his wingman. It’s a perfect match.
Pauly

I got really excited dancing with my girls and I legit peed myself.
Snooki

Snooki pees herself on the dance floor like a dog. She squirts herself with perfume and takes a Shore shower.

Honestly I don’t care. If you spray perfume and take a Shore shower, that’s still considered a shower.
Snooki

If I piss blood can we go see a doctor tonight?
Snooki to Deena

The HM go home. Deena wants Vinny to say “I love you back” but he doesn’t.

Snooki was drunk and went to bed in her clothes and soiled underwear. The next day, she throws them out.

Party foul time ten.
Snooki

Deena has trouble with her extensions. She gets electrocuted by a hair dryer. Deena and Sam have a clueless conversation about electricity.

What the hell is wrong with these electronics?
Deena

Every time they go to the clubs, Mike leaves the HM to do his own thing. Jenni can’t reach Roger. He’s probably in someone else.

Snooki wears a thong and bootie shorts so that she is sure that the accident won’t happen again. How does that work? Why doesn’t she just grab another thong and put in her purse?

If you want to be fun, you look like a walking party.
Deena

Ronnie suspects that Mike is up to something.

-They pee outside and drink out of bowls.
-We don’t need pets.
Pauly and Vinny about the Meatballs

Whenever Mike is around, an entourage of guys come.
Vinny

I don’t know if these are actually Mike’s friends or just randoms that he met at the club or pulled off the street. I don’t know.
Pauly

I can’t control my bladder. Something is going on.
Snooki

-I’m not washing my hands.
-Yeah, I don’t ever do it.
Snooki and Deena

Snooki thinks that she’s got a UTI.

I got us two tequila shots because I need pain medication.
Snooki

All of the HM leave for the boardwalk except Mike who stays behind.

Ya gonna swing in heels?
Batting cage attendant to the Meatballs

Mike tells the Meatballs that he thinks that some of the HM are talking behind his back.

I feel like the boys are plotting against me.
Mike

The girls tell him to call the boys out.

Here comes a situation, and you’re not going to like it.
Mike

Snooki is covered in black soot and it’s the best day in my life.
Pauly

When they get back, Snooki needs to pee but all of the bathrooms are taken, so she squats on the porch. It’s disgusting.

Gym, tan, I need some Clearasil.
Mike

Because you’re crazy pants.
Snooki to Mike

Mike’s pants are hanging by his dick. Actually his dick is out. All of the HM join them. Mike spouts his paranoid shit and finally pulls his pants up after a couple of minutes of ranting.

Then he goes back into the house and talks with Snooki.

It’s either I’m 100% nice or 100% mean.
I feel like it’s time to be bad.
Mike

Instead of the situation it’s the confrontation.
Mike

Mike goes down to talk to the boys. The boys say that Mike has been nice. Mike is drunk and overly emotional. That’s what they think.

The Meatballs get the bunny suit to surprise the boys. They are also drunk.

Snooki as this sex-crazy bunny. Scary.
Pauly

It’s a memory game and Snooki has the attention span of a fucking fish, so we know that we’re going to get away with this.
Ronnie

Snooki ends up covered in black soot.

It’s like game on bitches, you don’t put shit on my face and get away with it. I’m going to get everybody back.
Snooki

Snooki puts on her bunny mask and scares Mike, who was snoozing.

Jenni calls her friend Dina to fix her hair.

Deena wants to make custom bootie shorts that say ‘I Jersey turnpike all night’ while Jersey turnpiking all night.

Snooki’s dad comes knocking.

I don’t know dad. It’s from sex.
Snooki

Snooki sends her dad out to get some stuff for her. Mike runs into Roger on the boardwalk. Jenni has been complaining that she hasn’t been able to reach him.

Mike talks with Deena about their drunk conversation of last night.

Mike tells Jenni that he saw Roger on the boardwalk. She’s pissed off.

Mike tells the boys that he knows who’s playing games. He thinks that Snooki is the culprit. He calls The Unit and plans on setting her up.

* * * * *

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