How Bad Was The Jersey Shore?

"I feel like eating ham and drinking water.", via NYMag

I

Bad¹. So bad it’s good? I haven’t decided yet.

Check out this and this, and the following great quotes:

After 2hrs of Jersey Shore, I feel like I just watched Jesus puree a live puppy while being fisted by Hitler. I’m scared forever.
Cajun Boy @ Animal NY

“Yo, I will cut your hair while you’re sleeping”
Angelina to Mike

The only reason I watched it is because of Cajun Boy’s write up on Animal.

Warning: This post might offend you.
[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]

II

I wasn’t going to watch this new reality TV show on MTV, but a write-up by Cajun Boy on Animal NY convinced me that I just had to watch it, to see how bad it would get. There are different reasons for watching reality TV shows. Some, like this one, is really interesting to study these strange specimens of Americana. I watched it mainly to see how bad it would get. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s bad.

I haven’t really been a fan of MTV reality TV shows. It’s basically about young people cohabiting together and shit happening, usually involving sex, drugs, or both. There’s usually a tad of violence as well.

Right off the bat, this show is about a bunch of young Italian-Americans, who call themselves Guidos, a sort of pejorative slang term that applies to the Italian-American working class. They are known for fake tans, hair gel, muscles, pumping to bad trance music, and so on². This is what I read about the term ‘Guido’ on Wikipedia.

22 minutes into the show, the worst character or the most entertaining is definitely Snooki. She has tried to shag almost all of the boys, and some of the girls, but none of the HM were takers. She had a whole episode about dealing with the quacking phone they had at the house. She couldn’t understand it.

Vinny apparently got a bit of pinkeye from an older fat lady. These are his words BTW. He slid under her legs and somehow caught it in his eye.

Snooki is the early outcast because she got drunk within a few hours of getting in the house. She passed out and then the HM left to party. They left her at the house alone. She mentions more than once that she’s not used to not being the center of attention. She reminds me of a hobbit. She’s small, chubby, dresses horribly, and has got a terrible mouth on her.

“She came in with two garbage bags. I thought that was ghetto and weird. Like, you couldn’t find a suitcase? You couldn’t borrow a suitcase from someone in your family?”
Pauly on Angelina

III

There are two girls in the house who had boyfriends. Jenni almost immediately hooked up with Pauly D and saw his package.

“You have your penis pierced. I love it.”
Jenni to Pauly in bed while they are hooking up

The outfit that caused the party in Pauly's pants, via NYMag

And a few minutes later, “the party’s in Pauly D’s pants tonight”, which naturally implies that his party was pierced. Pauly packed a suitcase of hair gel, just to make sure he didn’t run out.

Angelina also has a boyfriend and she hooked up with some wrestler at a bar called Karma. Snooki tried desperately to hook up with a guy at Karma. None were takers. Would you? She managed to get some drunk dude back, and he promptly barfed on her.

The next morning, Snooki was asking for someone to hold her hair while she barfed. Once again, none of the HM volunteered. In fact, they just left her puking her guts out while they went to work. Snooki was late and got a reprimand by Danny.

IV

The latter part of the show focused on Mike trying to get Sammi away from Ronnie. This didn’t work as planned. Sammi and Mike kissed at Karma, but her panties caught on fire when she saw Ronnie getting at it with some girls. She promptly got her hands dirty and made out with him. They hooked up and Mike was pissed. It got really strange.

Sammi is alright, but let’s put ourselves in the Guido mindset. I think that Mike was just pissed that he lost something that he considered “his”, Sammi. Sammi thought that Ronnie was hot and wanted to get busy with him.

For all of their talk of being “players”, they just end up looking like little boys. Mike had a total hissy fit about this and it made things awkward at the house. He brought in some girls, again, and this made the other girls feel unhappy. He had brought in some “dirty girls” or “skanks”³, who promptly got into their thongs in the hot tub. It didn’t take them long to be naked.

Now, I don’t really know what’s going on with these guys, but if I was a single 20-year old in a hot tub with a hot chick, I’d get busy with her. None of these guys did anything with the girls, except some light kissing.

This kind of proves my point. They are “fake players”. They want to be considered as players, but they’re just pussies. They want other to see them as players, but inside, they’re just filled with ‘roids and juiced up to the max with testosterone.

V

There’s a lot of dry humping in this episode. I don’t really understand it. The kids do it all the time in clubs. I know that it’s part of some kind of mating ritual, but when I was younger and didn’t have a wife, I’d kiss girls at raves or clubs, fondle a bit, then we’d retire to an apartment to have sex. There wasn’t much dry humping. There was flirting, but none of this fake intimacy. Then again, I’m Québecois, not Anglo, so maybe it’s a cultural thing. Kids get off on what they can.

VI

The previews.

Well, it looks like Snooki gets hit in the face for an obnoxious comment by Mike. Mike gets arrested. Everyone gets arrested for fights. Jenni slaps Mike and a few other boys around.

The previews were probably one of the most interesting things in this show. There’s a lot of drama and a lot of cops. It’s kind of funny.

* * * * *

[¹]: Apologies to everyone, but it’s going to get pretty bad in this post. The show is full of prejudice and these insane situations by uneducated young people.
[²]: You an add a bunch of other prejudiced opinions that are prevalent, but let’s just keep them at the ones that I saw in the show, or read about.
[³]: These are the words of the female HM, not mine.

Author: range

I'm mathematician/IT strategist/blogger from Canada living in Taipei.

52 thoughts on “How Bad Was The Jersey Shore?”

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