I’ve mentioned to someone that watching the Jersey Shore is like watching Animal Planet. It’s like watching the mating habits of a cheetah, or something like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is true.
Where to begin? The douchebagginess of the cast leaves you speechless. There are no words to describe these self-professed guidos and guidettes. In tonight’s episode, sparks fly as Ronnie and Sammi hook up and fight once again. Ronnie admits to loving Sammi. Meanwhile, Angelina gets super-drunk and cock-blocks The Situation and Pauly D, who don’t take kindly to her cock-blocking ways.
The boys are eating up all the drama that the girls are creating. Basically, it’s because Angelina talked shit about Jenni, Sammi, and Schnookums in Jersey, so they are very annoyed that she’s here. Naturally, Angelina denies this. Once again, Jenni gets extremely aggressive. I wonder when she’s start hitting Angelina. Angelina better be careful, because Jenni is a strong girl, as The Situation learned last week.
Warning: This post might offend you.
[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]
So last week, there was a catfight. Vinny told Jenni that Ange was talking shit behind her back. Jenni is in Sammi’s face.
It’s like putting firecrackers in a dumpster. One match and pouff.
The catfight is between Sammi and Jenni. Then, Ron and Vinny start going at each other.
Angelina is a shady bitch and needs to f*cking confronted about it.
Snooki tells Sammi that Ange wrote the note with Snooki and Jenni. Snooki starts prancing and pouncing around. Mike says that Snooki was trying to help her girl out. Melissa comforts Snooks. Jenni goes at Ron with a bowl of some sort. Boy, the tempers flared. It’s good TV.
Jenni and Snooks don’t understand why Sam is mad with them. They were looking out for her. Angelina is a two-faced bitch.
Sammi is happy that she punched Jenni. Ron apologizes to Vinny. They both dislike Ange. Ange badmouths Vinny to Melissa. Sammi is in bed with Ron. I don’t know why she’s so proud. Jenni is pretty strong and hardcore. She’s working with Sam and Ron. Jenni calls Enzo and says that she won’t go into work because of her nails. That was weak.
The kitchen is a mess the next day. The boys go to the beach. There are hotties all over the place.
Nothing like a nice herpes to ruin the party.
Mike, Vinny, and Ange go to work. José, some douchebag that Ange hooked up with, comes to see her at the shop. He’s dressed up in a monkey suit.
José has taken Ange on a number of dates. Buying her a Fossil watch. I don’t know how much it was, 39.99, 49.99, the man should be smashed.
Mike about José and Angelina, meaning that Ange should have sex with José
Sammi and Ron go out for dinner. Ron says that the letter brought them closer together.
Jenni and Snooki go out. Vinny talks with Sammi. She says that Ange helped write the note. She’ shady. Pauly tells Ange that she needs to hit that right now after she tells him about the watch José got her.
José, he’s a sucker. You know a girl for 3 days and get the girl a watch, the guy’s definitely being played.
The boys go play pool. Sammi is having fun with Pauly, Vinny, and Ronnie. Jenni and Nicole arrive.
Me and Nicole are going to walk into the smush room and disinfect the whole thing.
These sounds were horrendous.
-Do you like to cuddle?
-How far do you live from here?
What’s your last name? Moaning.
-Oh, that’s not so bad.
That’s the most f*cked up night I ever had.
Jenni talking about the action that was going on in the house and Snooki talking to some douche in her bed
Alright, Kim Kardashian, you’re more like the Rob Kardashian of Staten Island, you ugly bitch!
Vinny to Ange
Ange arrives. Sammi has got a problem with her. She tells her to have fun and she doesn’t want to talk with her.
The next day, Melissa leaves. Sammi confronts Ange about her part in the note.
I’m like your realest friend in here.
-I’m not white.
Nicole and Jenni
Vinny and Ange get into it. Pauly and Mike are just watching this shit. They move their heads like they are watching a game of tennis. It’s funny.
If she comes and approaches me, I’m going to f*cking beat the shit out of her.
Angelina thinks like a guy, so she wants to get laid. Vinny is a guy, so he wants to get laid.
-Get it in.
-Ron made out scot-free.
-Ron is like MacGuyer.
Vinny and Mike
Sam knew while they were together he was still dogging her. The girl was pretty much peed on by Ronnie and he peed on in many different ways. And, you know, and she just took it and smiled. Just like when you’re little and you believe that Santa Claus is real. F*cking Santa Claus is dead.
Vinny starts chatting up a hottie named Ryan. He hooks up. It makes Ange jealous. Snooks hooks up with some douche. She wants to get laid.
Yeah, my dude Vinny. He’s got some flow, he’s got some swagger, he’s going out and getting girls all on his own. No help from us, he’s doing his thing.
Snooks guy starts to make food.
Snooks starts hooking up with Dennis.
Nicole is hooking up with Dennis and I want to vomit and I am traumatized for the rest of the my life.
Nicole tells Jenni that she didn’t smush. WTF, why did she moan so much? Jenni says that she smushed.
Vinny is working with Jenni and Sam.
José tells Ange to behave, and she plans on doing the opposite.
Jenni and Snooks stay in. She tells Dennis to come over.
I’m getting it in tonight, woo-hoo!
Jenni and Snooks clean the smush room. Later, Snooks get lubed up for her man. Dennis arrives with a man grenade.
Marco is a grenade, grundel, chowed, Jenni is going to f*cking kill me.
Goodnight, I’m drinking horny go-weed, going to masturbate, and go to bed.
So I kicked this guy out of the house, like the boys do with the girls.
Ange is super drunk. She kisses Vinny in the cab. Vinny is hooking up with Ange.
The HM arrive home and hear Snooks having sex. Vinny and Ange go to bed together.
Vinny calls Angelina the Staten Island Dump. Vinny gave Angelina the Staten Island Dump name.
* * * * *
- How Bad Was The Jersey Shore? Bad!
Jersey Shore S01E01-02 (MTV)
- Jersey Shore S01E03 Good Riddance
- Jersey Shore S01E04 Fade to Black
- Jersey Shore S01E05 Just Another Day At The Shore
- Jersey Shore S01E06 Boardwalk Blowouts
- Jersey Shore S01E07 What Happens In AC
- Jersey Shore S01E08 One Shot
- Jersey Shore S01E09
- Jersey Shore S02E01
- Jersey Shore S02E02
- Jersey Shore S02E03
- Jersey Shore S02E04
- Jersey Shore S02E05
- Jersey Shore S02E06