Massage Me @ McSweeney’s

Priceless quotes from Christy Vannoy’s latest column on massaging over at McSweeney’s.

They sound like convicts and they look like whores, these kids.

—and declared that if it were possible to perform an abortion that effortlessly, he’d open up an office on Fifth Avenue and while away lazy weekends skiing down his mountain of money.

If I had any sense that she was kidding, I’d have befriended her so fast I could have hosted her baby shower. That’s exactly the sort of wildly inappropriate humor that I consider the gold standard of good company, but Michelle wasn’t joking in the least.

Considering what I’d gleaned of this woman in our admittedly brief interaction, accidental aborting could have been classified as a mercy killing.

5% is the means by which you give someone the middle finger with cash. It’s the monetary equivalent of spitting.

and while I did a decent job of deleting Michelle from my mental hard drive, forgetting the other two heartbeats in the room proved more difficult.

{via McSweeney’s}

Author: range

I'm mathematician/IT strategist/blogger from Canada living in Taipei.

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