Jersey Shore Where’s The Beach? S03E03 (MTV)

Deena and Snooki, via Vulture

I’ve mentioned to someone that watching the Jersey Shore is like watching Animal Planet. It’s like watching the mating habits of a cheetah, or something like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is true.

Where to begin? The douchebagginess of the cast leaves you speechless. There are no words to describe these self-professed guidos and guidettes. In tonight’s episode, sparks fly as Ronnie and Sammi hook up and fight once again. Ronnie admits to loving Sammi. Meanwhile, Angelina gets super-drunk and cock-blocks The Situation and Pauly D, who don’t take kindly to her cock-blocking ways.

The crew is back and the shit hits the fan almost immediately between Jenni, Snooki, and Sam. Ron is up to his misogynist ways as he screams at the new HM. Meanwhile, Mike is able to get Deena naked on the 1st day, within hours of arriving. Strangely, he’s not ready to tap that yet.

Warning: This post might offend you.

[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]

Now Sammi feels stupid for hating Jenni and Nicole. Snooki is eating a raw potato. Jenni says that she can’t remember seeing Snooki sober since they arrived.

It’s not bad, it’s not bad.
Snooki after she started eating a potato

Snooki wants to screw Vinnie, but he’s not interested. Deena wants to screw Mike, but he’s not interested. When Snooki proposes a threesome, they get into bed together. When the lights go out, Snooks escapes. Snooki tries to get into Vinnie’s bed. When he smells the alcohol, he rejects her.

Stop caring and fuck me.

Possible for that threesome, turned into the Deesome.

Mike kisses Deena to shut her up. She leaves his bed and he thinks that it’s a miracle. Mike pulls a kitchen ditching, where he escapes to the kitchen. He gets into another bed to sleep.

Snooki does GTL with Pauly. She isn’t wearing underwear. She comes home with a burning ass because she put a glob of lotion on her ass to make it dark. She puts her bum in the fridge.

Sammi is moping in bed. Ron comes home to a situation. Mike thinks that they should break up and spend time apart.

I need a mind condom because I’m being mind fucked.

Ron and Sammi are fighting again. She’s under the impression that he’s doing something to her again. Ron breaks up with her again. Mike takes him to do GTL. Mike tells him that Sammi might not be the same person he met last year.

Sammi, Snooki, and Pauly go to work. Snooki and Sammi do some laundry. Sammi apologizes to Snooki. Snooki says that she shouldn’t stay with Ron. Snooki also apologizes.

-Oh my God bitch, you were such a whore, why were you so mean?
-I don’t know.
Snooki and Sammi

Sammi comes home and apologizes to Deena as well. Snooki tells Jenni that Sammi apologized. Jenni says that she won’t be friends with Sammi ever again.

The HM are going to Karma. Jenni likes her new bigger boobs. I’m not that much of a fan. Pauly predicts that Deena will need to be carried out of the club. Jenni runs into Roger. Deena falls off the stage a few times. Her ass and kookah are out. She gets kicked out of the club.

Deena calls herself the holiday, I like to call her the Holiday Inn. 6:53 into Karma, the Holiday Inn closed early tonight.

Mike’s friend Paula is here. Snooki also falls down. She’s really drunk. She’s a mess.

Jenni’s friend tells her that Roger has got a girlfriend named Heather. Jenni was having a good time with Roger, and now that shit won’t happen. She goes to see Snooki and they creep upstairs. The upstairs is closed off. Jenni pees behind the bar at Karma. She waters it down. Ron and Sam are still together at the club. Pauly’s stalker Danielle is back. She throws a drink into Pauly’s face. He hasn’t talked to her in a year. Then she hits a camera man.

My girl’s pretty DTF tonight. She’s sending out all the right signals, my DTF-meter is at a ten.

Mike brings back Paula. He’s got a full ritual to get laid. He needs to wash up, change, and then get some food. Vinny gets laid. Pauly’s girl doesn’t want to screw, so he goes to sleep.

Mike is trying to separate frozen turkey burgers. Vinny’s girl leaves after they are done. Ronnie is cooking and laughing at 4:30 AM. Vinny is having a good time with Ron.

Nicole goes to work in a blanket. At 10:30AM, she wants to start drinking. She’s drunk all day. She tries to steal beers all day. Danny keeps catching her. He then sends her out to get a coffee. She goes get some shots and then some fried pickles. Danny comes and finds her. Right from work, Snooki joins Deena and Jenni.

Nicole is smashed right now. She’s on a 24-hour binger.

Nicole runs off trying to find the beach. She’s running right next to the beach. Some stranger points her to the right spot. Jenni and Deena run after her.

It’s always a day at the beach with Nicole.

Nicole keeps escaping from them and trying to get into the water. She’s making enough of a nuisance to attract the cops. The cops pull her off the beach. Nicole starts running her mouth. They put handcuffs on her. Jenni calls Snooki’s dad.

* * * * *

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Author: range

I'm mathematician/IT strategist/blogger from Canada living in Taipei.

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