Jersey Shore Three Men and a Snooki S04E09 (MTV)

The cast reunited, via Vulture

I’ve mentioned to someone that watching the Jersey Shore is like watching Animal Planet. It’s like watching the mating habits of a cheetah, or something like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is true.

Where to begin? The douchebagginess of the cast leaves you speechless. There are no words to describe these self-professed guidos and guidettes. The cast is heading to Italy to meet real Italians. We all know that this will only end in tears. You knew exactly where this was heading, ever since the last episode, we all saw that Snooki and Deanna are totally out of control. Much to Jenni’s dismay, who always has to pick up the pieces. This time around, Jionni is involved. From what we’ve seen of him or heard of him, it looks like he’s a lot more traditional than Nicole, something that she has yet to fathom or understand.

It turns out that Jionni is still in town, and Jenni manages to reach him before he hops onto a train to Rome. Snooki comes running, but he decides to go anyway because of some ticket issues. Whatevs, that’s just his excuse. Snooki is depressed for a while. Then, she talks with him a day later and he tells her off about being a drunken slag. He tells her the truth, but she doesn’t want to hear it and decides to hook up with Vinny. From the previews, it looks like Mike will try to get into Snooki’s business by having  a mate call up Jionni and tell him that Snooki screwed Vinny behind his back. There will be a massive confrontation between Snooki and Mike, and Snooki will definitely no longer be dating Jionni.

Warning: This post might offend you.

[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]

Snooki can’t reach Jionni the next day. Jenni is still pissed off at Snooki. She elects to stay in bed while Snooki goes out drinking. She comes back home and phones her dad. Jenni gets over her shit and hugs Snooki.

Ron, Mike, and Deena go to work. They are hung over. Pauly is being very loud to annoy them. Deena has to clean the toilet.

Snooki is crying and she’s annoyed at Jenni. Whatever, at least she admits that she gets crazy when she drinks. Sammi gives Snooki some Corona.

Jenni is able to reach Jionni. He talks to Snooki. He says that he can’t see it and he can’t do it. He says that he already left. He’s in Rome. Nope, he’s just outside the train station. He agrees to see Nicole.

She’s having a Sam moment.

They find him and he doesn’t really want to hug her. Jionni says that he has to go. He says that he has to go because his mom changed his ticket. It looks like they made up. They are holding hands. Jionni admits that he was wrong. That’s pretty stupid. He could have changed the ticket again. Snooki goes to cry hysterically again. She’s crumpled on the stairs.

Pauly tells Vinny to put the couch on Deanna’s bed. Then, they start stacking some chairs and other stuff.

Uh, you put your penis on me. Gross!

Deena tries to take the couch down and it ends up on top of her. Pauly and Vinny are watching her, but not doing anything.

This is the best day of my life.

The HM make Snooki go out with them. Deena is pissed off. She missed her period. Snooki ends up choking and grinding some dude.

Deena tells Jenni that she might be preggers. Jenni immediately takes her to get a pregnancy test. Jenni is worried that she is smoking and drinking all of the time. Jenni is able to get the test from some closed pharmacy. Jenni is a good friend.

Hmm, just realized how Deena spells her name. Ah well, whatever. Deena isn’t preggers.

Snooki phones Jionni the next day.

Do I have to accept that my fucking girlfriend was dancing in front of me like a pig?

Snooki doesn’t see a problem with hiking up her skirt on a dance floor. Snooki is getting upset and depressed.

You’re drunk 7 days a week, you’re hooking up with girls, and you’re dancing with in your underwear?

Snooki says that she needs a break and that she doesn’t want to talk to him for a few days. The phone rings after she hangs up. Snooki thinks that if she can pretend that she is going to Karma, everything will be all right. She convinces the HM to take part. Pauly is the DJ. That’s a bit lame. Deena falls over again. Mike decides to flirt with Snooki. It’s creepy. He makes his play again. Jenni and Deena are listening in. He says that he loves her. He repeats it a few times. She doesn’t really want to hear it. It’s clear that she hooked up with Mike quite a few times. She doesn’t want him to say this. Mike says that the other HM are telling him to kick Jionni in the head. He says that it was Ronnie. He’s lying, naturally. Then he says that everyone told him to kick him.

Snooki immediately talks with Ronnie. Ronnie says that he didn’t say anything. Mike wanted to fight him. He told Mike “do what you need to do”. That’s it.

Snooki goes to bed. The HM take it up with Mike. Mike starts talking shit.

So when Nicole was was blowing me, right, watching her girlfriend get fucked… and then…

Mike is an asshole. Jenni and Sammi are mortified. The boys laugh it off.

Snooki cuddles with Pauly. Then she cuddles with Vinny. Deena snuggles with Pauly.

-What happens if I get a boner?
-Shit happens.
Vinny and Snooki

Pauly tries to kick Deena out. She won’t go. Pauly insists. Snooki tells Vinny that she wants him to fuck her. SHe says that she isn’t with Jionni anymore. They start making out and hook up.

* * * * *

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