I’ve mentioned to someone that watching the Jersey Shore is like watching Animal Planet. It’s like watching the mating habits of a cheetah, or something like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is true.
Where to begin? The douchebagginess of the cast leaves you speechless. There are no words to describe these self-professed guidos and guidettes. The cast is heading to Italy to meet real Italians. We all know that this will only end in tears. You knew exactly where this was heading, ever since the last episode, we all saw that Snooki and Deanna are totally out of control. Much to Jenni’s dismay, who always has to pick up the pieces. This time around, Jionni is involved. From what we’ve seen of him or heard of him, it looks like he’s a lot more traditional than Nicole, something that she has yet to fathom or understand.
Snooki refuses to hear Jenni’s advice, that entails that her relationship with Jionni is over because she just had sex with Vinny. Snooki thinks that Jionni will forgive her and finally tells him the whole truth at the end of the episode. Meanwhile, Mike is acting like a dick. His inane schemes to get Snooki back naturally backfire and she hates him even more than before.
Warning: This post might offend you.
[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]
Once again, I had to watch the show through the MTV stream. I wonder how many times it will stall. Hopefully none.
Snooki wakes up the next day at 7AM. She can’t believe that she screwed Vinny. She tells Jenni that she had sex. Jenni tells Snooki what Mike told them last night.
Mike comes looking. Snooki tells him to get lost. Mike plans on retaliating.
I’m so tired right now you crazy whore.
Mike calls his friend The Unit. The Unit banged Ryder. Then Snooki sucked his dick. Snooki says that she saw The Unit banging Ryder.
Snooki and Jenni go out for mimosas. Snooki says that she didn’t have sex.
-I love mimosas.
-I love sleep.
Snooki and Jenni
Gym, tan, drama today.
Mike plans on telling the HM a little lie and then seeing who the rat is. He tells them that he told his buddy The Unit to tell Jionni that Snooki hooked up with Vinnie last night. In reality, he didn’t do this. He just chatted with The Unit.
He tells Ronnie. Sammi hears them talking and Mike sees her. Sammi tells Deana. Mike tells Deana. Sammi is there. The girls say that they will tell Snooki.
This isn’t real life, this is a video game.
Snooki is amazed at mornings. She buys a gigantic bottle of wine and breaks it on the way home. What a disaster.
Vinny calls his mom. The boys are going to Sicily.
Mike tells Pauly his prank. Pauly can’t believe this shit because Mike tells him that Ronnie immediately told Sammi before he left the house. Sammi tells Snooki and Jenni what Mike said. Snooki starts chasing him. Then she starts throwing stuff at him. She even throws a bottle. Mike, like a rat, managed to scramble out of the way.
Snooki is really peeved off. Vinny tells her that Mike didn’t do anything. Mike is getting riled up. Mike just look like an asshole. Mike doesn’t get the message. Snooki doesn’t want anything to do with him. She has to scream at him to leave. Vinny tells him that he shouldn’t have done this.
This is definitely not my most well thought out plan, but it was a necessary evil.
Sammi and Ron say that Mike is a sick fuck. Ron never liked him. He’s been saying it since the beginning. Jenni comforts Snooki.
The boys leave for Sicily. The girls go on a wine tour in Tuscany.
Sicily looks like Jurassic Park.
Vinny meets his family. They have a lot of food.
The girls go wine tasting. Snooki wants to talk about Jionni. Sammi asks her why she screwed Vinny. Jenni says that the damage is done. She needs to move on. Nicole doesn’t want to hear it.
-I would never do that. I would never cheat on him.
-You did though and that’s why it’s over.
Snooki and Jenni
Jenni is telling Snooki the truth, but she won’t hear it. Snooki and Deena tip over a scooter. Snooki keeps farting. The girls go to their second winery. They are already drunk.
Sammi thinks that Jenni knows something else happened between Snooki and Mike. They start arguing at the table. Jenni threatened to air it all out. Snooki runs off in the rain.
The ride home is awkward. Jenni and Snooki make up back home. They hug it out. Snooki calls her dad. He tells her that Jionni changed his Facebook status to single.
That means that it’s official.
Snooki about Jionni’s Facebook status
Snooki calls Jionni. They start arguing immediately. She tells him that she ended up in Vinny’s bed. She says that she didn’t have sex but hooked up with him. He tells her that when she sees Vinny, she should tell him that he’s dead. He hangs up and Nicole starts to cry. This is the most drawn-out breakup ever.
Nicole calls back Jionni. He wants to know what happened. She tells him what she did. Jionni says that he will give her another chance.
We break up and you go fucking around with Vinny an hour later?
The boys stay the night and leave the next day.
When the boys come back, Snooki asks Vinny if they had sex. Vinny doesn’t believe that she doesn’t remember. Vinny says that they were cuddling. She kept saying fuck me and that she was fucking horny.
It was a glitch in the Matrix.
My dick was cuddling with your vagina.
Snooki calls Jionni back to tell him that she had sex with Vinny.
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- How Bad Was The Jersey Shore? Bad! Jersey Shore S01E01-02 (MTV)
- Jersey Shore S01E03 Good Riddance
- Jersey Shore S01E04 Fade to Black
- Jersey Shore S01E05 Just Another Day At The Shore
- Jersey Shore S01E06 Boardwalk Blowouts
- Jersey Shore S01E07 What Happens In AC
- Jersey Shore S01E08 One Shot
- Jersey Shore S01E09
- Jersey Shore S02E01
- Jersey Shore S02E02
- Jersey Shore S02E03
- Jersey Shore S02E04
- Jersey Shore S02E05
- Jersey Shore S02E06
- Jersey Shore S02E07
- Jersey Shore S02E08
- Jersey Shore S02E09
- Jersey Shore S02E10
- Jersey Shore S02E11
- Jersey Shore S02E12
- Jersey Shore S02E13
- Jersey Shore S03E01
- Jersey Shore S03E02
- Jersey Shore S03E03
- Jersey Shore S03E04
- Jersey Shore S03E05
- Jersey Shore S03E06
- Jersey Shore S03E07
- Jersey Shore S03E08
- Jersey Shore S03E09
- Jersey Shore S03E10
- Jersey Shore S03E11
- Jersey Shore S03E12
- Jersey Shore S03E13
- Jersey Shore S04E01
- Jersey Shore S04E02
- Jersey Shore S04E03
- Jersey Shore S04E04
- Jersey Shore S04E05
- Jersey Shore S04E06
- Jersey Shore S04E07
- Jersey Shore S04E08
- Jersey Shore S04E09