Jersey Shore Hurricane Situation S05E01 (MTV)

The cast reunited, via Vulture

I’ve mentioned to someone that watching the Jersey Shore is like watching Animal Planet. It’s like watching the mating habits of a cheetah, or something like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is true.

Where to begin? The douchebagginess of the cast leaves you speechless. There are no words to describe these self-professed guidos and guidettes. As surprised as I was to see another episode of Jersey Shore, it was all good once it started rolling. It kind of looks like the second part of the last season, as they went directly from the airport to the house in Jersey.

Warning: This post might offend you.

[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]

I was a bit surprised to see another episode of Jersey Shore available, but hey it’s entertaining. The HM are leaving Italy. They are happy to come home.

I feel like I was at boarding school and America was my mother and I’m coming home to my mother right now.
Ronnie

No one wants to share a room with Mike. It looks like they’re going straight to the Jersey Shore house. Vinnie dry humps Pauly in their room.

The crying room is upstairs.
Pauly

Hey would you like some rooms with these bags?
Vinny

Snooki starts drinking the pickle juice out of a jar. Ron makes a RonRon juice.

If we don’t GTL, it’s like the end of civilization.
Mike

The next day, the boys go GTL.

I’m pale as a ghost, I’m almost as white as Mikey.
Pauly

I’m tanorexic!
Pauly

You can’t GTL in frigging Italy.
Pauly

Jionni isn’t taking Nicole’s calls.

At the barber’s, Mike sprays his head for a long time. Enough to make the barbers smirk. Vinny got a UFC-kind of haircut. Ronnie likes it.

It looks like a mix between a mohawk and a faux-hawk.
Ron

Danny invites them to a bar. The bart looks empty. It’s actually filled with their friends and family. Both Jionni and Roger are there. Vinny gets emotional. He starts to cry.

Uncle Nino is like the ultimate creep. He should be in the house with us. He should get the smush room.
Ron

Mike’s pal The Unit is here. He hopes to stir up some shit. Both Ryder and The Unit are witnesses to the fact that Mike hooked up with Snooki. Snooki isn’t happy with what she sees. She knows what is coming up and she wants The Unit to leave. Mike keeps saying “Stop”. Snooki starts to cry. It’s obvious that Snooki hooked up with Mike. Ron notices her behavior and thinks that Snooki has got a guilty conscience.

Jenny asks The Unit what happened with Nicole and Mike. The Unit says that he saw everything while he was screwing Ryder, and Snooki and Mike hooked up. Snooki escapes to the bathroom.

That’s checkmate for Shnooki.
Ron

This is Hurricane Situation and it’s heading straight for Snooki Island.
Mike

The family leaves. The Unit and Ryder come back to the crib.

When The Unit’s in the house, I’m just going to go my room and smush Jionni.
Nicole

I just feel like Mike has got gay tendencies.
Sammi

The Unit and The Situation get ready together. Sammi is in the room and she thinks that they’re gay. Mike is miffed that Snooki is hiding away with Jionni.

Pauly and Ryder are flirting. It seems to bother Deena. Sammi notices. They start making out.

Ryder is really riding around town in this house.
Sammi

When Pauly and Ryder retire to his room, Deena follows. It’s creepy.

I don’t want Vinny’s sloppy seconds, but Ryder is looking good. Whether you’re the first man in or the last man in, ride her!
Pauly

Everybody ride her, just like a bus driver.
Vinny

Ryder has fucked everybody in the house. If she fucks Ronnie, it’s like Guido Bingo!
Vinny

Vinny, Pauly and Ron leave for breakfast. Naturally Mike and John hang around to create drama. Snooki apologizes to John, but he says that he’ll get her, or something. She only did it because Mike told her too. The guests leave the house.

Vinny is feeling homesick. Ron thinks that Vinny needs to man up and move on. He’s a momma’s boy.

-Do you want to do sex?
-No.
Deena and Vinny

The HM go to Aztec but Sammi and Ronnie stay home. Vinnny is feeling better, but Aztec is filled with grenades. Pauly and Vinny leave. Vinny needs some sleep. He doesn’t get much rest. The boys notice that Vinny is still in a funk. Vinny says that he can’t sleep. Pauly and Ronnie try to make him feel better, but it doesn’t change what Vinny is feeling. Pauly has never seen him like this before.

Jionni buys Mike drinks all night. Jionni thinks Mike is nice, but Snooki warns him that Mike is shady.

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Author: range

I'm mathematician/IT strategist/blogger from Canada living in Taipei.

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