Jersey Shore Sharp Objects S05E08 (MTV)

The cast reunited, via Vulture

I’ve mentioned to someone that watching the Jersey Shore is like watching Animal Planet. It’s like watching the mating habits of a cheetah, or something like that. There’s no doubt in my mind that this is true. I’ve also noticed that the vocabulary that the cast uses is quite insidious and sometimes appropriate, especially if you go out a lot and date. The words DTF, creeping, and other terms are a common occurrence when you open your eyes. The vocabulary is also very easy to use.

Where to begin? The douchebagginess of the cast leaves you speechless. There are no words to describe these self-professed guidos and guidettes. Mike is being nice and the HM can’t believe their luck. They think that he’s up to something. This makes Mike paranoid and he actually gets up to something by calling his pal The Unit to create some drama in next week’s episode.

Warning: This post might offend you.

[Ed. note: I had to put some warning here, and I thought that this was kind of funny, but you have been warned!]

A guy pulls down Jenni’s dress and then goes after Roger. Roger is a big dude. The dude gets tossed out after Roger laid him out.

That’s Karma for you, Karma’s a bitch.
Ronnie

The HM go home. Jionni wants to eat something and then puke. Or something along those lines. It sounds pretty bad. Snooki wants to get it in.

Roger is waiting to get it in with Jenni. Ronnie has a drink with him.

I’m going to have a drink with my friend half-pint.
Roger

Roger is hanging out with the roommates. Mike makes him some food. That’s nice.

I thought that gorillas only ate bananas.
Ronnie

Ronnie is empathizing with Roger’s situation, and Sammi doesn’t like what she’s hearing.

If my girlfriend complained as much as Jenny, I’d probably lose my phone as well.
Ronnie

Jionni goes to bed. Snooki is bugging him. Jionni falls asleep.

The next day, Deena suggests to Sammi that they go crabbing.

I already got crabs last night at Karma.
Vinny

The HM go fishing and crabbing. Instead of fishing, Mike sunbathes on the dock. He looks like a girl. Vinny decides to put a crab on him.

I feel like it’s like my relationships. Not one person wants to grab my bait.
Deena

Deena and Snooki decide to take out a boat. They have trouble getting it out to sea. Then they paddle the wrong direction. The Meatballs end up going under the dock. Ronnie and Mike mess with the inflatable boat and the Meatballs are caught sinking.

There’s Meatball sauce flying everywhere.
Ronnie

The HM warn the Meatballs that there are sharp objects. The Meatballs hear shark. Deena is trying to get out of three feet of water and Snooki is worried about her drink.

It was legit complete chaos.
Sammi

Ronnie clogs the toilet again. Pauly, Vinny and Deena go to work. Danny tells Pauly that his stalker came in yesterday. Even Danny is creeped out.

She doesn’t talk, but she stalks.
Pauly

-What does DTF stand for?
-Down to fish.
Customer and Vinny

Mike and Snooki talk about her relationship. Snooki lies her pants off.

I’ll shoot you with a pistol in the fucking eyeball.
Snooki to Mike

Nicole’s nails look horrid.

Snooki and Mike make a bet. Whoever won the bet had to wear Lola, the stripper Vegas bunny prostitute. Snooki has to wear the bunny suit to Karma.

Nicole is a trooper and actually has fun with the suit.

Honestly, I’m going to be dying in the suit. It’s going to smell like alcohol, sweat and vagina.

Snooki pretends humping a lot of people.

It’s a Lola night at Karma.
Jenni

A girl comes up to Mike and says that she’s DTF.

I am the hunter and gatherer of girls at the house.
Mike

Mike shows introduces the girls to Vinny and Pauly, who are happy to get DTF with them.

Nicole and Deena go out some more. They are on the beach. They hop a gate at the beach. They have trouble.

I feel like a legit criminal and it’s thrilling.
Snooki

Me and my Meatball are in the ocean and I see flashlights coming at us.
Deena

That’s a mini bike. For Nicole, it’s a normal-sized one.
Ronnie

Nicole and Deena get arrested again. The cops toss them off the beach. Deena tries to bring home a cop. He isn’t interested.

Me and my girl are done with our situation.
Mike

Mike tells all of the girls that the cabs are here and they are gone. The boys are happy. Mike is like the perfect wingman tonight.

Holy butt sack, am I tired.
Nicole

The first thing that Nicole does is to drink a vodka OJ.

This morning I feel like freaking ass. I’m still drunk, you know, it’s the drunk where you want to throw up and feel disgusting. I’d rather just drink it off.
Snooki

Nicole takes Ronnie with her to the bar. While Ronnie is busy drinking, Snooki goes out to buy him a minibike. She just likes Ronnie to be happy.

Ronnie ends up pushing Snooki along the boardwalk because if they start it, they could get arrested and get a DUI.

Pauly, Jenni and Mike go to work. Mike spends a lot of time ordering food. Pauly does most of the work. Jenni sees Pauly’s stalker.

OMG, she’s just so creepy. I just see her eye-beaming me.
Jenni

Yo, it’s not DJ Pauly D anymore, it’s going to be DJ Pauly Dead.
Pauly

Vanessa is creepy. Jenni establishes this again.

I’m drunkypants.
I’m hornybones.
Snooki

Vinny hears Snooki’s conversation with Jionni. He’s not impressed. Jionni wants to change Nicole. They go out to the boardwalk together. They go to a bar, play pool, dance and drink.

Once again, I see that they need a police escort when they are going out. They go to Aztec. Vinnny decides that he’s not taking a shot. Snooki wants him to. He says that he can’t drink.

Vinny you can’t leave shots behind.
Snooki

They might hook up. They’re talking about taking showers together when they get home.

* * * * *

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