Grannys & Wooly Mammoths

Today, my grandson asked how old I am and whether I’d seen Mammoths “for real” when I was a kid. FML

This one had my wife laughing out loud for quite a bit. I also discovered that I was born on a Monday, the same day as my wife.

It’s Pat on FMyLife

Today, I was walking with my husband, holding hands, when a man with a rainbow shirt on came up to us. He said, “I’m so glad that gay men can go out in public without being embarassed nowdays!” He patted me on the back and walked away. I’m a woman. FML


Peanuts on FMyLife

Today, I went for a jog. While passing by my neighbor’s house, their six year old son started throwing peanuts at me screaming, “I hope this kills you!” because I’m allergic to peanuts. FML


Balls and FMyLife

Today, at a family picnic, my grandpa told me to toss him a beer. After I questioned him on whether it was a good idea, he insulted me and again demanded that I toss him a beer. I did so, and ended up hitting him in the head. When I tried to apologize, he hit me in the balls with his walker. FML


This FMyLife has been deleted from the site. Luckily, I saved it in GReader.

Litterbox on FMyLife

Today, I was at my boyfriend’s house while his plumbing was being redone. I really had to pee, but the toilet wasn’t working, so I peed in his cat’s litterbox. His cat got defensive, and started attacking me while I peed. My boyfriend walked in and saw the whole thing. FML


Bigger Pitbull on FMyLife

Today, it was my next-door neighbor’s birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML


Naughtyshirt on FMyLife

Today, my husband came home from shopping with my 4 year old daughter and showed me a shirt she picked out herself. The shirt read “My mom’s easy i’m living proof.” Apparently she just liked the colours and her father agreed. FML


My Gay BF on FMyLife

Today, I saw my ex-boyfriend at the mall, kissing another man. His partner got up and went to the bathroom, so I went up to my ex. I told him I didn’t know he was gay, and he just smiled politely. Then his partner came out and I recognized him as my current boyfriend. FML


Prejudice on FMyLife

Today, I walked into the building where I was to start my new job, proud of myself for being a well-educated Latina. As I entered the room, the receptionist took one look at me and said, “You must be the new janitor. I’ll send someone to get your uniform.” I’m a lawyer. FML


Idiot Wolverine on FMyLife

Today, I went out to eat dinner with my family to celebrate my 18th birthday. I playfully put 3 straws between my knuckles to make myself look like Wolverine. I turned to my 6 year old nephew and ask, “Who am I?” He then replied with, “An idiot.” FML