The Vampire Diaries S01E01 (CW)

The Vampire Diaries logo on CW, image via wikipedia
The Vampire Diaries logo on CW, image via wikipedia

Fresh on the heels of the boring Twilight craze, and the well-deserved True Blood phase, CW is offering up its latest in teen dramas. Apparently, this show drew 5 million viewers its first night. That’s probably due to Twilight-hype. I can’t stand Twilight. It sucks ass. I couldn’t read the books, but read a review from Dan Bergstein on those Stephanie Meyer books. It was very entertaining. The movie kind of sucked as well.

This is the situation, as I’ve divined it using my psychic powers. The Fox network saw that Twilight was really working well. Wow, maybe vamps are cool again, said one exec. Another said, maybe not, remember Forever Knight. Then, everyone went bonkers for True Blood. The same exec said it confirmed his theory that vamps are back in, notably teen vamps, not crazy sex-addicted vamps. One exec mentioned Teen Wolf, the other slapped him on the back of the head.

So, we need to find a teen vampire series. Wait, my daughter used to read some vampire thingie called The Vampire Diaries in the 90s. Let’s pressure L. J. Smith to write some sequels as an added incentive. That will make it cool!

Warning: spoilers ahead

* * * * *

As much as I wanted to dislike this series, it kind of gets to you. It’s filled with clichés, but after seeing something as bad as Twilight, it’s kind of a relief seeing something slightly better. Now once again, the vampires are in high school. Could anything be more boring? If I was some kind of a super-vamp, the last place I’d want to be is in high school running after a teenager. Isn’t that considered pedophilia?

So some century old vamp comes back into town. He is after a girl who looks like a girl he once knew. It must have ended tragically. The vamp is dark and disturbed. Naturally, all the girls want to get with him, but he’s got eyes only for Elena. Meanwhile, another vampire is killing people right left and center, with no end in sight. Luckily, the locals are convinced that some wild animal is on the loose.

* * * * *

A creepy vampire talks. He must be hot so that he’s like Edward from Twilight. He says that he’s been a vamp for a century and this is his story. Very creepy. Not really. It’s crummy.

A young couple is driving back from a concert. Funky music is playing. They hit a person in the fog. It’s a vamp and he feeds on the dude, who’s name is Darren. The girl freaks out when the body is dumped on the hood of the car. She is swooped up by the vamp.

Creepy dude is talking he came back to “know” her. Some teenager is writing in her diary about a boy. She lost her parents. She lives with her aunt, who’s in graduate school. In the background, we see the news of the couple who was killed.

The girl gets picked up by her hot black friend. She is so hot it’s scary. The girl’s name is Elena. She’s supposed to be a teen. I say that she’s 30. Her hottie friend is Bonnie. She tells her that she is psychic. They hit some winged creature while driving to school. Bonnie has got these great hazel or blue eyes. It’s too bad that they are bad contact lenses. Elena’s brother is moody and dark.

Blonde airhead Caroline checks up on Elena. Must be the anniversary of her parents death. Elena’s brother is dealing in pills to another hottie, who’s got a boyfriend. Elena and Bonnie see the new dude coming to school. He uses his vampiric domination powers to get enrolled into school.

Elena tears Jeremy a new ass for being high on his first day of school. All the girls are captivated by the vampire. He bumps into Elena. He looks 30 years old. It’s funny that this vamp is going back to high school. Must be mind-numbingly boring for a century-old revenant. During class, Elena’s ex-boyfriend is seeing Elena and vampire dude flirting. Bonnie also notice and they text.

After school, Elena goes to a cemetery to write her diary. She writes this on the grave of her parents, who died earlier this year. A crow lands on the headstone. Fog appears. What are the odds? The same bird they almost crashed into this morning is following Elena around in a cemetery. I find it funny how these new vampires have no trouble with the sun. In my book, vamps are toast in the sun. They flame up like a torch. As she leaves, someone is watching her. She runs and falls. She bumps into vampire dude.

Stefan has got the same ring as the vampire murderer. Elena is injured. Blood is flowing and Stefan has to restrain his bloodlust. He flees mysteriously.

Stefan writes his own diary. For a vamp, he’s well equipped. He’s got a MacBook and a nice office.

Jeremy is pissed that the sister of Elena’s ex isn’t acknowledging him anymore. They hooked up during the summer, but now she isn’t interested. She’s with Tyler, Elena’s ex’s friend.

Stefan shows up at Elena’s doorstep. He wants to apologize. Everyone is at the grill. Matt’s sister is bartending. Stefan returns Elena’s journal. She is surprised to hear that he keeps a journal as well. Elena hasn’t invited him in, so he can’t step in. Funny how these teen writers pick and choose which vampire myths to use. I can’t get past the vampires not having any trouble in the sun. Elena invites Stefan to the grill.

At the grill, Matt is grilling Bonnie for info on Elena. I don’t know what is up with Elena. Why do all of these guys want her? She isn’t that hot. Elena arrives with Stefan and Matt stares him down.

Bonnie and Caroline continue grilling Stefan. He says that he is living with his uncle when in fact he is the uncle and the older dude is his nephew. How does that work? I haven’t figured it out yet. Maybe these vamps ages inversely, meaning that if they look old, they are young. His nephew tells him that Mystic Falls hasn’t recovered from what happened before. His return will just stir things up again. This has to do with the bodies that were killed by a vamp. His nephew says that coming back here was a mistake.

Stefan opens one of his notebooks. It’s got a picture of a girl name Katherine who’s a splitting image of Elena. This was in 1864. He’s been a pedophile for quite some time.

For a teenager, Stefan knows a lot about the local history. He exposes his knowledge in class, much to the despair of the teachers.

Stefan turns up at the party. Caroline ambushes him to sweep him away from Elena. All the psychic psychobabble of Bonnie is actually true. She is psychic. When she touches Elena, she sees a crow and some fog.

Stefan meets up with Elena. She tells him her sad story. Her parents died when their car drove off a bridge. She was in the backseat. They talk about Matt. She says that there wasn’t any passion there. When they talk about this, Stefan true face shows. His eyes become dark and his fangs come out. He quickly saunters away.

Ty wants to get busy with Vic, but she doesn’t want to have sex with him. Jeremy hears them and sneaks around. She screams no. Jeremy walks up to them. Vicki tells Tyler to get lost. Vicki makes a little scene and she storms away. Vicki is in the woods alone and gets assaulted by someone thirsty for blood.

Matt tells Elena that he still has some hope for them. Caroline ambushes Stefan again. He tells her no. She is surprised to say the least. Teenybopper music is playing. Stefan comes back to Elena.

Elena chases after Jeremy and they find Vicki. She’s still alive. They call an ambulance. Stefan runs home. He tells Zack that someone else is attacking people. It’s Damon, Stefan’s brother. He’s the one with the fog and crows. They haven’t seen each other for 15 years. They don’t get along well. Damon knows that Stefan is here for Elena.

Damon says that Elena is a dead ringer for Katherine. Damon is trying to start the bloodlust in Stefan. Stefan tackles his brother out of the window. Damon doesn’t seem to be fazed.

Damon asks Stefan where his ring is. The ring is some kind of a magical talisman that lets them go into the daylight. Damon gives Stefan his ring back and throws him around a bit to warn him off.

Vicki wakes up and tells Matt one word: vampire.

The end of the episode is made out of the twinning of a narrative by both Elena and Stefan. Damon picks up Caroline at the coffee shop.

Stefan goes to see Elena. She invites him in. Now he can come in any time.

* * * * *

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Author: range

I'm mathematician/IT strategist/blogger from Canada living in Taipei.

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